Video of 10 week scan. Baby bouncing around like a little T Rex.
The first 12 weeks of pregnancy is something we learn about from baby books and magazines and crazy paranoid internet searches. If it's your first pregnancy then you have no other reference point. It's not like you can relate to what your friends or colleagues went through, or talk with people about what's going on. Because noone really talks about being pregnant before 12 weeks.
The high risk of miscarriage in the early stages of pregnancy means it's still somewhat of a taboo to mention it before you get to the 'safe zone'. But here's something new and scary and weird as hell happening to you, and it's disrupting your life already, and you feel ill all the time. But for some crazy reason, do not tell anyone why.
Before I even took the test, even as early as 3 weeks I had a suspicion that I was pregnant because I was mega, mega tired. Like so tired I was sleeping on the sofa as soon as I got home from work. And tired every day, not like when you need a lie in after a late night, because no amount of lie in's was getting rid of the tiredness.
Then the nausea came with it. Morning sickness is a stupid name for it. All day, low level of bleughhhh. Feeding the cats, emptying the dustbin, I didn't even open the fridge for weeks because every food smell would turn my stomach. It wasn't even like I was actually sick that often, but the nausea and gagging and total loss of appetite was hard to deal with.
It seems pregnancy, even in the earliest of stages, comes with a whole list of 'normal' symptoms besides sickness from bloating and headaches to cramps and spotting and all sorts else. And there's a fine line between a normal symptom and something more worrying. And god do you worry, especially if it's your first and you haven't been through it before, and even more especially if you've had a previous loss.
Irrational worry, raging hormones, tiredness and sickness but YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE. In your fragile state of mind you also have to construct a complex web of lies to explain it all away to anyone who might notice. From why you can't make it to the Christmas party (because your colleagues are a bunch of dicks normally, it's too hideous to see them drunk while you are sober), why you drove to the pub that's 10 mins walk away (driving's an easy excuse), why you missed the early train again (puking), why you aren't coming out on a school night (sleepy), it just gets to be hard work.
The end of the first trimester brings a huge relief and not just because you are into the 'safe zone' where the miscarriage risk drops off a cliff, and that the worst of the nausea and fatigue will ease. (Have faith, it will and you'll appreciate how awesome normal really is) Finally you can share your joyful news and also share your woes- explain that you aren't intentionally such a flaky friend or worker, and grumble with others who've been through it.
Suddenly the secret is shared and you have a wide group of concerned friends, coworkers and family who actually ask how you are and want to talk about this amazing, exciting news and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Just about the baby, and your wellbeing (only with regards to the baby) Actually though, you feel fine now and it would be quite nice to just get on and talk about other stuff for a bit. What was all that drama about anyhow?
